Reflective Listening Exercise

Reflective Listening Exercise

Of all the tools we discuss on our website and with couples that we counsel, this exercise is one of our favorites and a powerful way to reduce conflict in your relationship. We realize using a framework like this may feel awkward or contrived, but it works! We challenge you to give it a try. If you want to try this with your partner, we suggest that you explain you'd like to be a better listener and you let them go first.

• The listener asks the speaker if there is anything they would like to talk about.

• The speaker selects an issue that is upsetting or bothering them - it could be work, holidays, home, family…

• The speaker should hold a salt shaker (or something similar). This is to remind both whose issue is being discussed.

• The speaker tells the listener about the issue and how they feel about it (do not go on too long). The listener listens and then reflects back to the speaker what they heard.

• Then the listener asks, “What is the most important aspect of what you are saying?” The speaker responds. The listener listens and then reflects back again.

• The listener then asks, “Is there anything you would like to do (or, if appropriate, like me/ us to do) about what you have said?” Again the listener listens and then reflects back.

• Finally, the listener asks, “Is there anything more that you would like to say?” The listener listens and then reflects back again.

Then switch roles by handing over the salt shaker (or similar object) so you both have a chance to speak and to listen. This conversation is good practice for all of us, both in talking about our feelings and in listening to each other.

While listening to your partner

Try to put yourself in their shoes. Put your views to one side and really appreciate what it’s like for your partner. Do not rush them and do not be afraid of silence.

“Reflecting back” has two benefits: It helps us find out if we’ve really understood what our partner has told us and it helps them know if they’ve been understood…

We've received a lot of positive feedback on this exercise for those couples who have started using it. Please use the Contact link and let us know how it went for you.